Friday, July 25, 2008

75 Degrees, Humidity Is Only 80% And I Still Can't Play That Face-melting Solo

I was shopping for a metronome. Instead, I found this strange device on Amazon. It has a tuner and a metronome and - I don't get this at all - it includes a temperature and humidity meter.

Are these guys competing with The Weather Channel? Or is this product aimed at bands that have lost all interest in their art? Like, say, the Rolling Stones. Just bring this device into the rehearsal room and voila! Mick, Keith and Charlie suddenly have something to talk about - the weather.

It could also be that the device is a deliberate Zen koan-like statement, designed to expose the limitations and conditioning of our minds. Why should a metronome be limited to playing a "tick-tick-tick-tick"? A metronome should be a representation of everything in the universe. After all, Time is infinite and a metronome is all about time.

But if multi-function metronomes are the way of the future, how about integrating it with a lie detector and a complete Guantanamo-style waterboarding setup? You fake a few chords, you flub a few notes, you "arrive" at the 6th bar too late - DIE, LOSER, DIE - and the audience applauds in appreciation.

6 comments:

Puppy Manohar said...

Dear KM,

I think it has an humidity meter so you can ensure that your EXPENSIVE acoustic guitar doesn't die in its case. EXPENSIVE acoustic guitars are fussy like that.

Regards,

PM

km said...

PM: Dude, a $4,000 Martin could also succumb to termites. Are you suggesting a metronome with pest-repellent-shooting capabilities?

Puppy Manohar said...

Dear KM,

A metronome + tuner + humidity meter + Neem-based insect repellant might actually be a killer device. It's time to contact USPTO.

Regards,

PM

??! said...

km:
Are you indicating that you have a $4,000 acoustic guitar??!

??! said...

If so, you need to do a TR and post photos of it....from all angles, of course.

Preferably with it placed against a background of mountains towering over a lake (sorry, TR, couldn't resist)

km said...

??!: Oh no, far from it. The total value of my guitars won't be anywhere near $4,000 :)

But I do like your idea of taking pictures against a background of mountains and lakes. My Fender deserves a Himalayan peak and a Great Lake of its own.