A Secret Mantra For The Tiara

Big disappointment: this headline had me thinking that a Miss Universe contestant would actually be chanting the "Gayatri Mantra" as a part of her talent routine. (What is Gayatri Mantra?) That, let me tell you, would be bizarrely cool and ballsy - though "ballsy" is an adjective the judges may or may not like very much in the Miss Universe contest.

But it turns out, upon reading that article - the horror - that the said contestant will only be using the mantra "as it will give her strength". (Never heard of Bournvita?)

Such a pity. For a moment, I foolishly imagined Miss Universe contestants reading from important spiritual or philosophical texts from their countries up on the stage. That would be something, wouldn't it?

"For the swimsuit round, Miss Israel will tell us about "Yonah and the Great Fish" and the relevance of this allegory to the modern world. But meanwhile, here's the beautiful Miss Denmark. She's 21, 5'10" and will read "Either/Or" in its entirety.

There would be furious debates backstage! Miss Vietnam and Miss Sri Lanka coming to blows over interpretations of the Four Noble Truths, thus marking the first time in history when excited shouts of "CAT FIGHT!" would be drowned out by voices demanding an explanation of "DUKKHA".

Tits and ass and cosmic profundity. Is that really too much to expect from women who are competing for the title of Miss UNIVERSE?